How To Love Yourself
I feel like this can be a very complicated and multi-faceted topic but I’m so passionate about it that I still wanted to talk about it. As I sat down to really think about what it means to love yourself, I realized that it’s actually pretty simple. The question you need to ask yourself is: What is good for me? Like actually, genuinely good for me? And then give yourself or do lots of that.
Loving yourself is much easier said than done, though. It’s a work in progress and there are plenty of times where I hate myself - for something I’ve eaten or how I reacted over something small. I have days where I just don’t think I’m that great or have anything to really offer to the world. I have to actively work at loving myself and I feel like 99% of women are in my same boat. So, when the idea for this post came to me, I felt like writing it would not only benefit those who would read it, but me as well.
We all need this reminder…
I feel like sometimes we withhold love from ourselves until we insert accomplishment here or if we were more like insert name of someone else here. Our culture is so much about basing our self worth off of measurable accomplishments and then we end up comparing ourselves to others who we perceive are where we want to be. So I am going to address this issue first.
In order to beat this comparison game, you have to realize that you’re not going to be good at everything and that’s okay. The solution to this is to try lots of things to figure out what you do love or what you are good at and then capitalize the crap out of those strengths. You also have to fully comprehend that you are the only you. There is no one else exactly 100% like you. It would be impossible. Someone with your same look, secrets, humor, story, experiences, decisions, likes, dislikes, perspective, style, talents, gifts, opinions. That same combo doesn’t exist in anyone else but you. Because of this, you already have an edge. Knowing and understanding this is crucial in loving yourself. And once you understand you’re not like anyone else, you take yourself out of the running against anyone else. Now, you are the only person in the race and there is no way you can’t win a one man race. Do you feel like a badass yet?
If not, I want you to write down or say out loud 3 things you love about yourself physically and 3 things you love about yourself emotionally or that you feel you’re good at. This exercise can be really hard. Especially if you’re extremely self-critical. But do it. Force yourself. It helps kick start the whole self-loving process. For example: I love my small feet and hands, my metabolism, and my long legs. I love my eye for detail and quality, my capacity to love, and my ability to tell a story.
If you need to, do this daily til you start appreciating how awesome you are.
The next thing you need to do to start loving yourself is to keep the promises you make to yourself. This is the ultimate act of loving yourself. Be someone you can count on. Once you do this, you stop being the victim and become your own superhero. You suddenly assume responsibility, control and direction of your life. With that comes the ability to change your life. It’s amazing.
If you’re not sure what I mean by making and keeping promises to yourself, here is an example: Say you want to quit drinking soda. You know it’s not good for you, you really want to shed a few pounds, and you know that quitting soda will do it. You don’t have to quit cold turkey (Although you can. That’s what I did.) just start weaning yourself off of it. Make a promise to yourself that you’ll only drink one soda a day for a week and then one every other day the next week and then only 3 the week after that. Go down to 1 on the weekends and then none other than for special occasions. Whatever your promise to yourself may be, think of it, commit to it, and then do it. If you stick to it and keep this promise to yourself you will feel a sort of confidence, respect, and love for yourself that you have never felt before. You may slip up and you may break this promise to yourself (I do it all the time) but don’t give up! Recommit, forgive yourself, and start over. This is showing yourself love as well.
If you’re anything like me and you’re very accomplishment-based but you’re also very hard on yourself then this part will be especially helpful: My friend, Jaci, wrote an ebook about growing an authentic social media following but I found that it applies to much more than just social media. I’ve linked it here. The message behind her book really struck home for me and it was a very simple concept: Do one thing every day to make yourself proud. Sometimes that looks like crushing your workout in the gym, cooking a healthy dinner, or taking an awesome picture. Other times it might just look like making it out of bed for the day. As I’ve tried to do one thing each day to make myself proud, the endorphins and sense of accomplishment it has given me is truly priceless and has helped me a lot in loving myself.
I can be really hard on myself. I always feel like I could be doing more. I have to tell myself to take breaks when I need to and to not feel guilty about it. It’s something I’m still working on lol. I’m sure you’re probably like this as well so I’m telling us both: the body and mind need regular rest. Take a bath. Read a book for fun. Watch a movie. Go for a drive to somewhere pretty. Walk around aimlessly and laugh with friends. Sleep in. Create art for yourself. Or just sit and do absolutely nothing. This is also loving yourself.
Controlling your thoughts and checking your mental health are both essential to loving yourself as well. After all, it’s our brains that do all the negative talking. I have found that practicing gratitude, praying, and meditating are what help most with this.
We hear it all the time but why practice gratitude? It’s because taking the time to think about and identify the good things in your life makes you start noticing the positive and you become so aware of the blessings and what you’ve been given that you go into this peak state of attraction. Consequently, it makes you a happier person which then helps you love yourself. It’s magical.
Prayer then strengthens a belief and relationship with God and I find my gratitude grows even more. Having this relationship with God and intentionally expressing my gratitude has shown/proven to me that I am loved and looked after by at least one person. I’ve found that knowing someone is mindful of you and has your back makes loving yourself a whole lot easier/more believable. You must be worth loving if someone else loves you too, you know?
However, you absolutely do not have to be religious to express gratitude. I’ve just found that gratitude and a belief in God work hand in hand for me. Also, if you’re struggling with finding things to be grateful for, start with the simple things such as a bed to sleep in, a healthy body, or food in your fridge.
There are many ways to express gratitude. You can express it through prayer, you can write it down on paper, you can take some time while you’re just sitting here or during meditation to think intentionally about what you are truly grateful for. I’ve done it all three ways and they all work.
Meditation...I used to not understand meditation. I thought it was a joke until I started feeling a ton of anxiety and decided to try it one day. I’m pretty ADD and my mind is always going a million miles an hour so I literally had to learn how to meditate. Guided meditations were perfect for me. Per a friend’s recommendation I started the beginner basic series on the app Headspace. If you’ve never meditated before, just know that it doesn't have to be a long ordeal. Just a few minutes is all you need. Even now I can usually only do it for 5-10 mins but it helps so much. It’s helped to calm my mind and release the things that I don’t have control over.
I found this meditation by Tony Robbins earlier this year that I now do multiple times a week. No exaggeration: it’s been pretty life changing. At the beginning of it, he has you place both of your hands on your heart and tells you to breathe deeply into your heart - to feel the power and energy of your heart. He tells you to feel the strength of your heart as you feel the blood rush into it when you breathe. He tells you to feel the beauty and the gift of your heart. And around this time I start crying. Because I actually think about this heart of mine. Where it’s led me and how much it has been through. It’s kept me alive figuratively and physically. It is who I am. This goes for you too. Your beautiful heart has been through a lot as well. It’s helped you make countless decisions. It has sung when you’re happy and it has been there to take all the emotional trauma you’ve ever been through. It works constantly for you. Be proud of yourself and your heart.
Now, let’s talk about bodies and physical health. THIS IS HUGE because how you treat your body (as in what you put in it and what you do with it) affects your physical and mental health. How do you love your body exactly? You fill it with water (approx 80-100oz a day), fuel it with lots of whole foods, and then you get up and MOVE IT daily (preferably for 30 to 60 mins straight).
I really want to get rid of this culture that has developed that says loving yourself means not changing a thing (even if it’s a positive or necessary change). Please, accept yourself as you are and for who you are! I’m all for loving your body just the way it is, with or without curves because all bodies are beautiful. But please also love yourself enough to change for the better. And when I say for the better I mean for the healthier. Be concerned with your health, not necessarily your physique. If you get the inside right, the outside will follow. It always does.
Love yourself enough to work out in some way 4-6 days a week. Love yourself enough to make the necessary changes in your diet to live a healthier lifestyle. The key word here is “lifestyle.” Do not diet. Diets don’t work. Instead, change your lifestyle. It doesn’t have to be extreme but try to find a good balance. Instead of thinking about all the things you’ll have to give up to be healthier, think about all the good things you can add. Living a healthy lifestyle is the only way to truly love your body. Plus, your future body and family will thank you for it.
When it comes to moving your body, it doesn’t have to be crazy or strict. Workouts come in all forms. Personally I love weight lifting and high intensity interval training. (Basically, I wanna feel like I’m dying. lol) But there are lots of other options such as biking, swimming, running, hiking, skiing, yoga, low impact cardio (@melissawoodhealth), group fitness, playing a sport, walking your dog, or learning a tik tok dance. Find a few that you enjoy and have fun!
When it comes to eating, focus on eating clean. That just means eating less processed, fried, or sugary foods and eating more whole, fresh foods instead. For people who struggle with eating too much or eating too little, I recommend learning how to track your macros. You don’t need to be a nutrition major to learn how or understand it. It’s all numbers and it works. It also feels less restrictive which I love.
Personally, I don’t follow one certain way of eating. I try to eat relatively dairy-free because dairy messes with me but I’m not specifically gluten free, plant-based, vegan, or keto. I just pay attention to what my body responds well to and I try to hit my macronutrient goals for the day. For healthy, easy recipes I recommend Clean Simple Eats, Chocolate Covered Katie, and Fit Men Cook. Those are my absolute faves. For more plant-based options The Mindful Avocado, Bonberi, and Kenzie Burke are my go-to’s.
Switching to a healthier lifestyle is a process. It doesn’t just happen overnight but it will only happen with intention. So, during this transition process and even afterwards, try your best but also give yourself grace! It’s okay to make mistakes but, again, don’t give up. If you screw up at the beginning of the day don’t just throw in the towel. Make the decision to restart right then and there. You can do this! You not only owe taking care of your health to yourself but to your future family and self. They will both thank you for it.
Doing these things and making these changes won’t initially feel like love. But those who truly love us don’t just coddle us and give us whatever we want. Just like God doesn’t take all challenges away from us because that is how we learn, grow, and become better. People who love us push us. That’s why self love is pushing yourself too. To be the best you can be.
Loving yourself in regards to your body doesn’t only mean health, though. It also encompasses what you do with and how you treat your body. Self destructive behavior is not loving yourself and don’t let anyone (friends or family) let you believe that. Excessive drinking or substance abuse is not good for your health. Sleeping around also falls under that category. Giving freely of yourself in that way cheapens you. And you’re not cheap, sister.
Cutting people out is another important way to love yourself as well. Loving yourself already isn’t easy. It’s even harder when you have people in your life that drag you down. If these are friends or coworkers, distance yourself or cut them out completely. If these are family members, you can’t necessarily cut them out completely so draw boundaries. For me, that looks like limiting interaction time together and sometimes ignoring phone calls/cutting them short. You do not need that kind of negativity in your life. Doing this can be incredibly hard, especially when they don’t understand why you’re doing what you’re doing, if they think they know better than you, or if they don’t think they’ve done/said anything wrong. Allowing these kinds of people into your life only leads to stress which then causes your mental and physical health to deteriorate. Because of that, this is an instance where you have to be selfish. Your gut will tell you if something or someone is good for you or not. So follow those feelings and fill your life with uplifting people.
This also goes along with knowing when to say no. I’m the kind of person that doesn’t like to say no. I try to make everything work and satisfy everyone but I’ve learned the hard way that that’s just not realistic. I usually end up burning myself out or getting disappointed because I’m unable to do it all as well as I’d like to. I know i’m not the only one like this so I’m telling us all, saying no is another way to love yourself.
Loving yourself involves taking care of your mind, body, and soul but also getting outside of your comfort zone. Loving yourself is accepting yourself as you are right now but also striving to change for the better. Not necessarily changing so much that you become a different person entirely but changing to become the best version of yourself. It’s being true to what you love and who you are and realizing the only opinion that really matters is your own. It’s realizing you have infinite potential but that it will take work to get there. It’s remembering that there is literally no one else like you.
Love yourself for your future/current spouse. Love yourself so you can be healthy. Love yourself so you can be happy. Love yourself so you can be the best you can be.
LOVE YOU,
Sam