The Preface
This is my story.
And it’s what I’ve felt really called to share on here. All I hope and wish is that this helps at least one person. So that they know I know how they feel/have felt because I’ve had a lot of things happen and I don’t believe anyone should have to go through these kinds of things alone. But I’m also sharing my story so you can know what I’ve overcome and how I’ve been able to do it so you can too. I want people to know that you don’t have to let terrible things that happen to you ruin you. You can choose how you react and how you move forward. There are ways to turn negatives into positives. What I’m about to share now and in the following weeks was major inspo behind the creation of this blog.
I’ll be writing this as a series because it’s too much to jam into one post. I plan on starting from the beginning and going as chronologically as I can so it all makes sense. This week, it’ll be a two-part post. I’m posting the first half today and the other half Thursday.
My parent’s shouldn’t have gotten married… but they did. No two people have ever been more opposite and their opposite-ness only got more and more polar as their marriage went on. This is my story but I need to tell a little of my parents’ stories so that mine makes more sense.
So, let’s take it back...
My mom was born in Taiwan, a little island country located off the east coast of China. When having kids, Chinese culture says having a boy is most important because they carry on the family name and it’s their duty to take care of their parents once they’re old. Chinese parents basically insure themselves with hospice care when they give birth to a boy. So when my grandparents had a boy first, my grandma was very happy. All my grandpa wanted was a girl so when my mom was born second, he was overjoyed and could not have been more proud. He took her everywhere and showed her off to anyone and everyone. My grandma couldn’t handle it and decided to hate my mom for it.
When my mom was 8, China threatened to invade and take over Taiwan again so her family left the country and immigrated to the United States. They moved to Guam (a tiny island under U.S. government) and my grandpa started a business. Once my mom’s older brother was 16, my grandparents shipped their 4 kids off to California for a better education and shot at life. They bought them a house, gave my uncle a car and a credit card and parented them from thousands of miles away. Other than my grandma visiting every 6 months, my mom did not have parents growing up. Her and her siblings took care of themselves. When my grandma was around, she was terrible to my mom. My mom later told me she had always thought she was adopted because of the way my grandma spoke to and looked at her. You might ask, didn’t my grandpa notice? Why didn’t he say anything? In traditional Asian culture, there is a hierarchy of power and unwritten rules that are silently followed. Women obey their husbands and children are meant to be seen and not heard. You respect your elders no matter who they are. So my grandma made sure to clean up her act whenever my grandpa was around and my mom just never said a word.
Some examples to help you understand the trauma my grandma induced on my mom: My grandma decided when my mom was really little that she “couldn’t remember her own birthday” so she claimed my mom’s as hers so that every year everyone would have to celebrate her instead of my mom. She constantly put my mom down and favored her other daughters and son instead. When strangers told her my mom was pretty and complimented her for having a beautiful daughter she would say things like “Oh, you should see my other daughters.” IN FRONT OF MY MOM.
Grandpa’s business in Guam really took off while my mom was in highschool and by college he was making millions. It’s Chinese tradition to provide for your kids in full (sometimes even after college) so they can focus all their time on school and studies so he would send money back to the kids via my grandma. She would give a lot of extra money to everyone but my mom who only got the bare necessities. Both my grandparents were mad when my mom decided to get married before finishing college and they didn’t like that her husband was white either. I’m pretty sure they almost didn’t come to her wedding. When they did end up coming, they didn’t even try to hide their disapproval.
We moved back to California after my mom graduated. I was really little and my dad was trying to get into med school. My mom needed a job desperately. My grandma had some connections who were owners of some big companies so my mom asked her if she could see if they had any openings. While my grandma was with my mom she finally called one of these friends and the conversation went like this: “Hey! I have a daughter. She’s looking for a job right now….Well, she’s not very smart, though. Kinda dumb..” My mom just told her to hang up. She was so embarrassed. Around this same time my mom’s sisters were cleaning out their closets and getting ready to donate what they didn’t want. My aunts had tons of designer things thanks to the nice stream of income they had been receiving from my grandparents their whole lives so they were getting rid of NICE stuff. They asked my mom if she wanted any of it before they donated. My mom said yes but first, imagine the shame of taking hand-me-downs from your little sisters. Then imagine how she felt when my grandma shouted, “Don’t give her any of that! She doesn’t deserve it!”
One last story: When I was born, my parents were living in BYU married housing in Utah. It was my mom’s last semester of college. My grandma came to live with us for a bit right when I was born to “help” take care of me and my mom. She ended up being more of a burden than a help. Naturally, my mom tried to nap whenever I was sleeping but if I ever woke up before she was up, my grandma would wake my mom to come deal with me instead of taking care of me so my mom could sleep. My dad also told me the first day my grandma came, my mom couldn’t get infant me to stop crying and my grandma told her she was a terrible mother. I think my grandma messed my mom up in ways that I can’t even begin to understand.
I think she felt threatened by her because my mom was my grandpa’s favorite. Punished her for it maybe? So, now you understand my mom a tiny bit. Abandoned, neglected, abused, put down, unprotected, blamed for every wrong thing that happened, told she was worthless. This easily hardens a person, buries issues deep within them. How do you survive? And how easy it is to repeat the cycle.
My mom joined the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints her senior year in high school thanks to having lots of Mormon friends. After asking her to tell her conversion story, I don’t know if she ever was truly converted. It sounded to me that the missionaries just wanted another baptism which is AWFUL and very wrong. After high school, she went on to college at USC where she met my dad.
My dad was born and raised in southern California as a devout Mormon in an extremely conservative, strict and traditional LDS family. He was second youngest of 5. So, basically a middle child and just wanted attention and to be loved. Personality-wise and character trait-wise my dad is a lot like his dad. Extremely charismatic, kind, a talented salesman, and a zealous member of the Church. They even talk the same. It’s crazy how alike they are.
My dad’s parents got divorced after him and mom were married. His dad had some serious immorality issues and really messed things up in his marriage. Now that I know a lot of what happened I cant even look at my grandpa. The self-righteous guy is on his fifth marriage and still has the nerve to preach Mormonism to anyone who can hear him. My poor, sweet, angel grandma.
I don’t know the details of everything leading up to my mom and dad getting married but I do think they loved each other and that they were happy at one, small point in time. But they came from two different worlds and both showed their true colors only after getting married.
Now you sort of understand the two people that had me and what kind of a childhood that could make for. Stay tuned for Thursday’s post.