Pt 1
Probably one of the most painful yet eye opening posts yet...
This one has taken me the longest to write. Just because it’s such an important part of my story. These experiences were so painful and so impactful. They changed me. They truly were some of the best and some of the worst times of my life so far and I can’t forget them. It has nothing to do with forgiveness, I have forgiven everyone involved. It has to do with what all of this taught me and how it’s literally made me into who I am today. It sounds dramatic but these experiences will forever be a part of my story. They were a huge turning point for me because I allowed someone to do things to me that I will never let anyone else do to me again. How I chose to react to what I went through with him (how anyone chooses to react to any kind of adversity) was everything and it helped define me. That’s why it’s been so hard to articulate and produce; there is so much there and I just know it’s going to help so many people. I hope those who read this will be able to identify things in their own lives and relationships and hopefully save themselves from what I had to go through or from a future they don’t even know they don’t want. I’m just afraid I won’t be able to do this story justice. My biggest hope is that I’m able to write it in a way that allows you to walk with me and feel what I felt.
These are basically my credentials for all and any advice I give in this blog hereafter. Lol. How to come out of something you thought you wouldn’t survive. How to not be broken forever. How to literally thrive afterwards. How to find your happiness and purpose and grow into who you were meant to be. How to grow in darkness. How to lean on God and trust Him and only Him entirely. How to listen to the Spirit (or your gut). How to get over someone you thought you were going to be with forever. How things that happen in this life are not a coincidence and that sometimes we have to endure the hardest parts first before we can get to the good parts. But I promise the good parts do come! I’m only able to write/advise on these topics because of this story. So, I hope you enjoy and I hope this helps you feel found because writing this took everything out of me. (PS I’ll be releasing it in parts because if I were to tell it all at once it would go on for 20+ pages.) Here we go!
Let me just preface this whole thing with: I did not want to go to BYU Idaho. For those of you who aren’t familiar, BYU Idaho is one of the sister schools to BYU Provo, which is the main BYU (aka the one with actual sports teams). BYU-I was the school you went to if you didn’t get into Provo. Going there can kind of be a shot to some people’s egos (me). Most people try to ace the two semesters required and then transfer over to BYU Provo as fast as possible. This was my plan.
When I left for school, I cut my stepmom out of my life completely and maintained limited contact with my dad. I had never known how (nor was I ever allowed) to set boundaries with them in the past so I went a little extreme in this regard (although I feel it was warranted after how they had treated me). As for my relationship with my mom, we were just starting to mend things and build trust. We still had a long way to go in our relationship (this would end up taking years to fix) but it was getting a lot better. So, basically, when I started college I was pretty much on my own emotionally and I had a hard time really trusting anyone.
Quick fun fact about the school I was headed to: People call it “BYU I Do” because everyone who goes there seems to meet and marry their future spouse in less than 30 seconds. Because this is a commonly known thing, when I announced I was going there, one of my guyfriends said I was going to marry the first guy that walked through the door the first day of school. He was joking but I was DETERMINED for that not to happen. Especially after going through that break up with my boyfriend senior year. I didn’t want anything to do with a serious relationship because I was afraid of getting hurt like that again. So I swore off guys and promised myself I wouldn’t have a boyfriend for at least a year. I was finally free and just wanted to have uncomplicated fun. I decided the quickest and easiest way to numb myself from catching any feelings was to make out with every attractive, consenting guy I saw. Terrible idea but, let me tell ya, it was a BLAST.
I didn’t really have the typical freshman college experience (which makes me sad). The dorms at BYU-I were gross and no one recommended living there so I lived off campus with a friend I had met while working as a hostess in high school. (It was actually her aunt who had taught me how to do eyelashes.) She was a sophomore and kind of like a big sister to me. She took care of me and kept me grounded. (Probably another angel God put in my life to make sure I didn’t fly off the rails tbh.) She also knew everyone. The weekend before school started I went to more parties and met more people than I could keep straight.
The night before school started we went over to this guy’s apartment who she was talking to. (Granted she was always talking to like 5 guys at once but I think she actually liked this one.) I met some of his roommates. They were all returned missionaries so they were older than me - like 23-25. (Keep in mind I was 18 at the time.) They turned out to be the most fun and chill people I would meet at this school. Here’s the kicker, they were LOCALS. As in, they were all FROM Rexburg, ID. I was FASCINATED and also confused because I had assumed people who were from Idaho would be super weird and socially awkward hahaha. I had never been in such a small town, let alone met people that actually came from such a small town. I never thought I’d end up meeting Rexubrg locals and then find them to be the coolest people there.
I don’t remember exactly how it happened but I got talking to one of his roommates while my roommate and her guy were chatting. I immediately found him super easy to talk to and really funny. We figured out that we shared a nutrition class that met on Monday (the next day), Wednesday, and Friday. He told me I should save him a seat. I assured him I would but had no intention of even remembering his name after leaving and I assumed we’d be leaving soon. Turned out my roommate was in no hurry to leave so me and this guy kept talking. We ended up sitting/laying on one of the couches together just us and I somehow got pushed off the couch. It wasn’t a hard fall. It didn’t hurt or anything. I just remember thinking it was hilarious. (What was flirting back then? Hahaha.) I just laid there on the floor laughing. He had an empty plastic cup he had been drinking water out of and was holding the cup with his mouth kind of playing with it when he started laughing too and ended up accidentally dropping it on my face. Amazing. And for some reason I thought that was even funnier. Like, what was even happening?? Then he leaned down and KISSED ME! Somehow no one noticed?!? I couldn’t believe what had just happened. (This was definitely the most aggressive and forward a guy had ever been with me. Probably a red flag but I was just trying to have fun so I didn’t care.)
I got back up and we both acted like nothing had happened but smiling because we had a secret.
The next day was the first day of school and I was so caught up in getting to all my classes, I completely forgot about him just like I knew I would. I got to my nutrition class early (the one we figured out we shared) and got talking to a girl that sat down behind me (who later became my best friend and maid of honor). The class filled up quickly. Right before the class was about to begin, he walked in. I had totally forgotten I had promised to save him a seat. Luckily, the last empty seat in the class was somehow the one right in front of me. I saw him, recognized him, and patted the seat. “Oh HI! Look, I saved you a seat!” He saw the look of surprise and recognition that had registered on my face and replied with a smile as he sat down, “You liar.”
I don’t remember all the details but somehow over the course of the next 2-4 weeks, we became inseparable. Just the best of friends. While we were in this grey zone I would still go on dates with other people and he probably did too but we would always end up back with each other by the end of the night either doing hw, eating, or just hanging out. We just had this mutual understanding and never asked questions. It was effortless and bizarre. We also never went on an actual date with each other during this time. We kept it extremely noncommittal but continued the kissing. I had never enjoyed myself more.
Remember when I said I had sworn off guys and serious relationships? Well, like I just mentioned, I still went on dates. It was just for fun and I wasn’t going to say no to free food. But I could’ve been nicer to these poor guys. One time a guy in my class had asked me out and planned the cutest, most creative date. We had a picnic on his living room floor with his roommate and his gf. He was so sweet the entire time. After the date, he went to drive me home but I asked if he could drop me off at the Towers instead (which was an all guys apartment complex at the time and where my not-boyfriend lived). I knew he knew I was going to see another guy. It was just horribly mean and indecent of me to not just let him take me home at least before I went over there. I honestly should be punished. I never talked to the guy again and he probably never wanted to talk to me again either.
Another time I met a guy on Tinder who wanted to take me out so I agreed to go to dinner with him around 6. My not-boyfriend then asked if I wanted to do something (like more than just the regular hanging out we had been doing) that same night. So I promptly texted the Tinder guy and asked if we could move dinner to 4 because I “had something come up with my roommates” that I had forgotten about. He was fine with it. We went all the way to a nicer restaurant in Idaho Falls because this guy was an actual gentleman and treated girls to real dinners. We ate but he could tell I was kind of absent and in a bit of a rush to get back. He zoomed home and dropped me off back at my place. I ran up to my room and watched from my window to make sure he had pulled out of the parking lot before I ran back down to my car and zoomed over to my not-boyfriend’s house. Neither of them knew. I ended up ghosting that guy too. I told my not-boyfriend about all of this much later when we actually had started dating but he didn’t really care anyways. He thought it was more funny than offensive tbh, which is very weird. We were weird. We talked about this later as well and found that the reason why we both were so lax about everything in the beginning was because we both had just wanted to have fun at the time. We headed into that particular semester with the same sort of mindset and didn’t expect to end up with or find anyone/anything serious. So when we fell for each other it was sort of a surprise to both of us.
Also, remember when my friend said I’d marry the first guy that walked through the door the first day of school? I actually managed to beat that by meeting the guy I ultimately ended up catching feels for the day before school but he walked through the door the next day too bc nutrition class lol. Prophecy pretty much fulfilled.
Those first few weeks of school were pure bliss. I was away from my controlling parents, finally able to make my own decisions without being shamed at every opportunity and practice my own religion in a way I felt good and right about instead of having their interpretation of it shoved down my throat. Even despite there being an honor code I had never felt so free. (This might sound crazy to some of you but living under my dad’s roof made the Honor Code pale in comparison.) I made sure to get on my knees every night and thank God for getting me to this point, for my freedom and for quite literally saving me.
The second week of school, I also got the news that I had been awarded the full amount for financial aid. This was another huge blessing. My mom knew I had nearly nothing in my savings account so, knowing I would end up receiving the full amount since I had used my dad’s tax info, she told me to save it and took care of all my costs. (She is literally the only reason why I had anything to my name during college.) When my dad found out I got my financial aid his response was: “We did it!” Huh? “That’s my contribution. I did my part!” Ummmm I’m SORRY? WHAT??? I was SOOO confused. You mean you COULDN’T do it? So the government HAD to?!?! We got in a huge fight about this. I wish I still had the text thread. It was and still is one of the most delusional, frustrating, and comical things I’ve ever heard. Taking credit for financial aid? How??? And to do it proudly too? I’m not sure.
HOWEVER, back to the guy. I didn’t even know I had started having feelings for him. It sort of just happened quietly. I didn’t even realize it until my friend brought it to my attention. She literally confronted me about it one day, “You like him!” I swore to her that I didn’t. She was also convinced he liked me back, which I was skeptical of too. “You guys are always together. You’re always hanging out. He for sure likes you.” She had a good point. She told me I had to tell him. I REFUSED. Telling him felt like a death sentence and I was afraid it would ruin everything. But she was extremely persuasive and convinced me that telling him would be the best thing. My curiosity got the best of me so I decided I’d tell him and see what happened.
The next night he took me on a drive out to the country where we laid on the roof of his car talking and watching the stars. We did this often. There came a lull in our conversation so I decided to go for it. “So………...I think I like you.” Silence….and then a response that was NOT what I expected. “Ohhhh....Yeah, I kinda felt like this would happen. I’ve definitely thought about it and prayed about it and I just don’t feel like it’s the right thing.” WHAATTTTT?!?! He continued, “We should just probably stop whatever this is. But this exact thing happened with my ex too and we’re still like best friends. We can still be really good friends.”
UMMMMMMMMMM k…………..that went south REAL QUICK. I was DEVASTATED. Like confusingly devastated. I had no idea how much I liked him. I think I started bawling. Lol. I had so many emotions. I couldn’t believe I had let this happen. The one thing I set out to do was to not get hurt and I let. it. happen. I was so mad at myself. Also, we had never even officially started dating and he had already been praying about us?! Wtf? And the answer was “No” from God?!?! That’s not fair because no one can even argue with that!! Like what am I gonna say? “God is wrong???” Of course not! Lastly, I knew that being “friends” hardly ever works and mind you, I still had to see this person 3 times a week bc of our DAMN NUTRITION CLASS!
With all of these emotions and thoughts running through my mind I couldn’t articulate anything. All of it translated into ugly tears. He just held me while I cried. (HOW FREAKING EMBARRASSING.) Then he dropped me off at home and I sobbed the whole story to my friend and told her this was what I was afraid would happen. She felt terrible but also felt like it was good that at least I knew where he stood now (she was very logical) and could stop wasting my time with him. I honestly just couldn’t believe my reaction and how much I actually liked him.
The next day I went and hung out with another guy. We were hanging out in his room when I got this text: Does it feel super weird that we aren’t together (as in physically in the same place) right now?
I was like are you freaking kidding me? UMMMMM…..yes?! But like, this was your idea! You wanted this!??? Pls make up your mind?!
My reply: Yeah but isn’t this what you wanted?
Him: Ugh. I don’t know. I HATE this! Maybe we should try? Idk. Just come over.
Me: *absolutely ecstatic* Be right there.
I ditched the guy I was with that instant and flew over to his house. We went right back to where we started and I was on top of the world. This person made me STUPID HAPPY. He just had me and we still weren’t even “official.”
My life became made up of mostly just school and him. I took some pretty hard classes and he was pre-med so both of us were pretty serious about school and didn’t have much time for anything else. Most of the time we would hang out and hold hands while we did homework. Hahahaha. It was mid October when I finally asked him what we were. The conversation ended with him asking me to be his girlfriend by saying something along the lines of: “We’re basically together. Let’s just give this a shot.” Very romantic. “Um...Okay?” Just like that, we were finally “official.”
He got a motorcycle shortly after that conversation and was obsessed with it. A girl in his class had a crush on him and apparently asked him to give her a ride on it. I was so confident that I didn’t care. He was mine and I felt flattered that he was sought after. I let him do it. (Definitely a red flag that he was even entertaining other girls like this while we were together. It was definitely disrespectful and I don’t know how or why I was okay with it.)
Also, another red flag I should’ve paid attention to: We went to the haunted theater in Shelley, ID with some friends around this time. It was a week or so before Halloween. He went in as the head of our line, I was second and then the rest of our friends followed. At one point we got to a spot where we couldn’t find our way out or how to get to the next section. That’s when we heard someone fire up a loud chainsaw and start running toward us. We all started panicking, especially my boyfriend. He immediately went into self survival mode, put his shoulder down, laid me out, and trampled me as he tried to escape. I was left on the floor to face this clown with the chainsaw who was now looming over me and laughing. (Idk how it works in these haunted houses but the chainsaw definitely smelled real. Tbh this is Idaho so who even knows.) I think I froze there for a few moments. I had no idea where everyone went. Someone (I think it might’ve been him? Not sure. Don’t remember. Was too terrified.), came and grabbed me and dragged me to join the rest of the group who had all somehow managed to find their way out through this obscure hole in the wall. Soooo that whole experience was awesome. When the world ends and the zombie apocalypse is upon us, I knew I could count on him!..NOT. We laughed about it a lot but looking back, that instinctive response to ditch me and save himself was pretty concerning. (Pay attention to things like that. They’re telling of a person’s character.)
Halloween weekend came and he told me his ex would be in town and that he planned on taking her for a ride on his motorcycle too. (This damn motorcycle.) He didn’t exactly ask me if this was okay. He sort of told me. I told him that it was fine. I trusted him. I didn’t think anything of it because truly I believed that two people who have dated in the past could be just friends and nothing more than that.
His ex came into town on Friday. He didn’t see her that night because he was with me. I knew he was going to be busy on Saturday and that he planned to take her on that ride that day so I planned on doing things with my roommates. We went to a Halloween party just us girls and it was a blast. The next day was Sunday. We both went to church separately and he always went to his parents’ house for Sunday dinner. We hadn’t been dating “seriously” for that long so I hadn’t been invited out to meet them yet. That was completely fine with me. For these reasons I didn’t expect to see him til later at night or even til Monday.
Sunday late afternoon I got a text from him: I’m outside! Let’s go for a ride.
I thought it was the cutest thing ever - my boyfriend randomly surprising me to go for a drive. I ran downstairs and got in the car absolutely giddy and loving life. A few moments later I realized something was wrong. The entire vibe in the car was off. He was really quiet and focused on the road. I don’t remember exactly what he said but it was something like “I made a mistake” or “something happened” or maybe he didn’t say anything at all. I just remember guessing what happened. “You kissed her, didn’t you?” His silence was my answer.
to be continued.