Pt 2

I sat there in shock staring at the dirt road we were on. I had never been cheated on before. It wasn’t something I was familiar with so I didn’t know how to handle it. I was so in shock that I didn’t feel anything at first.

I made him tell me everything from the beginning: His ex had come into town from Utah and he took her on that motorcycle ride out into the country. Then she, knowing full well that he had a girlfriend, asked him if he ever thought about them and getting back together. He said YES, of COURSE. 

Turns out there were parts of their story I didn’t know before this like the fact that her moving away was the main/real reason why they broke up and that he was still kind of trying to get over her. So this whole thing made a lot more sense to me. And the empathetic, understanding part of me (which I hate sometimes) understood his actions. If my ex had moved away and we really had only broken up because they were moving but we still talked all the time of course I’d still think about that person and wish we were together even while I was trying to move on and date other people. Maybe I would’ve even done the same thing…maybe. 

So, he says yes to her question and they kiss and decide to get back together. (Also) I guess they had dated for a while before I came into the picture. Long enough for his family to get to know her and fall in love with her. So, to celebrate being back together, he took her home to them for Sunday dinner the next day and they were overjoyed to see her. She then hops in the car and happily starts her drive back to Utah thinking they were back together and that all was well. Until she gets a call from him basically saying “just kidding the deal is off” and that he wants to stay with me and see where things go. HAHAHAHAHA. WHAT THE ACTUAL.

After she left he apparently came to his senses and remembered my existence. HAHAHAHA I am laughing as I write this because this boy had literally FORGOTTEN about me. It’s comical. I have to laugh. After realizing he had screwed up he called her. He then drove over to my apartment after that conversation and picked me up. Now, here we were. 

I remember listening and being very confused initially, then sad and empty, and then REALLY mad. I just didn’t know what to say. I was quiet for a while trying to process everything. I was used to pain. I was used to emotional abuse. I was used to dysfunctional. I had experienced my parents cheating several times and then working through it for years. That’s just what you did. You didn’t give up. (I learned later that this was actually a very appropriate time to give up. You don’t forgive and work at any other relationship besides a marriage relationship the way I was about to.) Even though we hadn’t known each other for that long, I felt like I had known him my entire life and I saw so much potential in him. This made giving up even harder. He was so beautiful to me. It was like I could see his soul and see how great he was going to be as if he already was. He was just so confused and inexperienced but I knew he had a heart of gold and never any intention to hurt anyone. I had such a high threshold for pain so I told him I thought he was worth it and I forgave him. I don’t think he expected that. I then told him he couldn’t talk to her anymore (such a rational request!!!). Maybe I wasn’t clear enough, though, because he never did stop talking to her. More on that later.

I went home and told my friend everything. She told me I should’ve at least made him work for my forgiveness. I just didn’t know how to do that. I had never played games before. It wasn’t in my nature to play hard to get when it was so contrary to what I actually wanted. I was such an open and honest book. This was usually an advantage because I knew it was something guys loved about me. I said what I meant and I meant what I said. But, because I understood his actions and was too forgiving in this case, I don’t think he really learned anything or changed. I also don’t think I loved myself enough to think I deserved better. I was so very young, had terrible examples to go off of, and was inexperienced as well.

My childhood best friend was at BYU-I at the same time and something similar had happened to her before. She had been seeing and dating this one guy when she found out he had a girlfriend and then immediately cut things off with him. In a way he had been cheating on both of them but my friend felt absolutely terrible for having helped someone cheat on their significant other. So I called her and told her what happened and that I felt this heaviness that I couldn’t shake. She told me what I was feeling was completely normal and that I was not going to be okay for a while. “From now on, you’re probably  going to question the authenticity of all your good memories you’ve had with him in the past and all the good moments with him to come because of this.” She also said I was going to have triggers and that she couldn’t tell me how long it would be before I would feel completely whole again. And then she ended with, “You’re going to do what you want but I need you to know he’s a terrible person and that I hate him.” 

Unfortunately, she ended up being right in every way. For weeks after that I would randomly remember what had happened and get really really sad. I could honestly compare it to being punched in the arm. Sure, the initial impact hurts but it’s the bruising and the healing and the recovery that hurts much worse and lasts much longer. The pain is just a constant reminder that you got hit. Then after some time passes maybe it heals to the point where it doesn’t ache and throb constantly anymore but then you accidentally brush across that wounded area or bump it against something and the pain comes rushing back and you remember everything all over again.

I met his family the week after he cheated on me. (Maybe that was his way of apologizing.) They were the epitome of a strong, mormon family. They had 7 kids. All the boys had served missions and their 5 oldest kids had all been married in the temple, had children, and were very active members of the Church. His dad was stake president and his mom had been a stay at home mom his whole life. I couldn’t relate to hardly any of it but I loved it and wanted to be a part of it. They were also white and came from a white, rural community. Also, something I couldn’t really relate to. I might be half white and look totally white but, make no mistake, I had a very asian upbringing and I grew up in a city. Our backgrounds and families were endlessly different. 

His parents were very nice and polite when I met them but I could sense they had dismissed me pretty fast. I remember being super confused. It felt like I never had a real chance. Turns out it’s because I didn’t. lol.  Before he brought me home to them, he had told them about his “answer from God” and feeling like us being together wasn’t the right thing. They dismissed me after that. Why try to get to know me at all when I “wasn’t the right thing” and wasn’t going to be around for very long? It makes sense but I didn’t know this was why at the time. I just remember wondering “Why don’t they like me? What did I do?” 

I came from such a dysfunctional and broken family so when I saw them so stable, so happy, and so good (basically the end goal of everything the Church stands and pushes for) but not really accepting me, that goal felt unattainable and I felt inadequate. From then on whenever I hung out with them it felt like I was just sort of..there. 

He also had a certain older sister who he was very close to. I’ll call her his “significant sister.” She was 26 or 27 at the time, married, had one kid and another on the way. She lived in Utah but came to visit often since her child and family freelance photography job was really flexible. He made it very clear to me that her opinion mattered to him A LOT. Like if there was one person who’s approval I needed, it was hers and, unfortunately, said significant sister did not take it easy on me at all. She just chose not to like me. Oh, and said significant sister also loved his ex. I’ll just leave that there.

I could tell I wasn’t her fave just from the way she treated me but whenever I brought it up to him, he would just tell me I was imagining things. It was hard and my young, 18 year old self tried everything she could to gain this family’s approval. I tried to mold myself into something they would find desirable - something that would be worthy of their love and good enough for their son/brother. But I knew they wanted him to end up with someone just like them and I knew I most definitely wasn’t that. 

I tried so hard because I knew that his family meant a lot to him. I also knew that I wanted to marry someone with a strong, stable family like his because I knew we’d end up spending more time with them than we would with my family. I liked them but I needed them to like me too if they were going to be my new family. However, months and months later I realized that nothing I did was ever going to be enough to gain their approval. That realization was really hard. Especially since I already dealt with not feeling like I was enough within my own family. 

Let’s back up, though. First meeting with his parents went fine and we continued dating. I became close with all of his roommates and friends. They were great. I loved them a lot too. He became my world and I fell. Hard. I was on the highest of highs whenever I was with him. I had never gotten along with someone so effortlessly before. It sounds cheesy but he was everything I had ever wanted and more. He made me stupidly, ridiculously happy. He came from such a good family and was so strong spiritually. He was the funniest person I had ever met. He was the type of goofy that was never embarrassing because it was intentional and he always landed on his feet. He said and did goofy things and, because he didn’t care how he looked or sounded, it was never awkward, only hilarious. His personality filled my soul. I only ever saw him step on his own feet once and it was in front of cops at 1 AM at Madison High School when we got caught for trespassing on the roof like children. We definitely could’ve gone without his jokes then. But for the most part I felt like he was usually tactful, emotionally intelligent, aware, positive, light-hearted, crazy athletic (loved that), and spontaneous. He was extremely booksmart too and a hard worker. Because of this, I never doubted he’d be a good provider. That was very important to me. Being with him was an endless adventure. But honestly, I was just as happy sitting on the couch with him eating crappy chinese takeout, studying and holding hands as I was when we were flying high in his little plane over the snake river (Oh, did I mention his family owned a plane and he got his pilot’s licence for fun?). I was convinced that if I had to be on a deserted island with him for the rest of my life, I would be 100% content. I would do anything for this person - even stay and settle in this tiny town. I was sure I had found my soulmate and my forever. Finally, I’d be able to start my own family and do it the right way. Nothing gave me more joy than the thought of that. 

And then he broke up with me. 

“I went to the temple and prayed about us and I just don’t feel like this is the right thing.” Again, the same answer I couldn’t argue and my world came crashing down. I was ill with grief. 1-2 miserable days later, he came crawling back to me. This became a pattern for the next 10 months we were together. It was the worst emotional rollercoaster I’ve ever ridden. For the next 10 months I was either the highest of highs or the lowest of lows. There was no in between. Each time he left me I thought I had lost him for good so each time it would hurt worse. It was really, really bad. I started timing it. Every 2-3 weeks, I’d brace myself or hold my breath when we went on drives late at night. Every time it was the same and it was usually after we had had an awesome time doing something fun. He would tell me he had gone to the temple again, prayed about us, and received an answer or “feeling” that us being together “wasn’t the right thing.” We would then try to stay away from each other (which never lasted longer than a few days) and then he would come back to me and I’d take him back, happier than ever before. It was a vicious cycle. I don’t wish that type of emotional trauma on anyone. 

I was super serious about school this entire time too and this boy somehow managed to break up with me just in time for nearly every exam. The two would just line up perfectly. It was all I could do to survive during those times. I would be stressed out of my mind about school because it was all I had to get me a better life than the one I had left (plus I was still trying to transfer to BYU which was hard to get into) and then sad and depressed out of my mind because he had left me again.  

We had gotten back together for I think the third time when we had lunch with his significant sister one time when she was in town and gave her a brief history of the craziness of our relationship. We told her about how he had cheated on me and then about the breaking up and getting back together parts. We laughed our way through retelling it because we were back together, all was well at the time, and all of the unfortunate stuff was in the past. She was laughing too as she said, “That’s a pretty crazy story. Haha. You’re just like a stray cat, aren’t you?” I had no idea what to do or say...I think I just laughed because what DO you say to something like that?? It also didn’t make sense because her brother was the one who was always coming back to me and acting like the stray cat… Anyways, that was how all of her interactions with me went, her saying something snide (usually a fun comment about my age because I was 18 and he was 23) but hiding it behind sarcasm or a smile so it never appeared malicious but was if you were paying close enough attention. It was just awkward most of the time. Now, you get why I was always asking him if she hated me. Who wouldn’t wonder?!

Shortly after I met her and his family, he admitted that she said I was full of myself because all I had on my Instagram was pictures of myself. Mind you, these pictures were not selfies. I had a few photographer friends in high school who photographed me often. It was art and fun to us. I didn’t feel like these pictures gave off a self-absorbed vibe at all. I was a pretty sensitive people pleaser at the time so I texted her and APOLOGIZED. (Who was I?!) I told her that I had heard that she didn’t really like my instagram and that I was really sorry if anything I had posted had ever offended her. (WHAT THE LITERAL. I cannot believe I did this!!!! I would NEVER do something like that now. You don’t like what I post? You can unfollow me then.) 

Her response: “My brother needs to learn not tell you everything.” HAHAHAHAHAHAA. I’m sorry??? I’m his GIRLFRIEND and could possibly end up being his wife one day and your advice is to encourage him to keep stuff from me???!!! INTERESTING!!! She proceeded with, “I thought about it, though, and it makes sense why you would have all these pictures of just yourself. You’re only 18 and it’s not like you have cute babies to clog up people’s feeds with.” Uhhhh….was she trying to make me feel better? I wish I could say that I was stronger and didn’t care what people thought back then but this whole experience literally gave birth to my 4 year complex of posting photos of just myself. From then on, I wouldn’t do it. I couldn’t do it. Not without hearing her voice. I let this person’s opinion, who I valued so much because I knew it was impertinent to my boyfriend’s decision making, scarr me and hold me back for YEARS. It sounds so dumb but it’s what happened.

Another time we were staying at her house in Utah for the weekend and she mentioned something about a rental property she owned in Rexburg. Trying to make conversation, I said something like “Oh cool! I didn’t know that you owned a house there.” She replied, “Yeah, my dad got it for us when we got married but now that we’re renting it out, I’m hoping that my brother will end up living there with his spouse that he didn’t meet at BYU-I. HAHAHAHA HUH? HELP MEEEE! DIRECT SHOT FIRED!!! MAN DOWN AND THAT MAN IS ME! I AM THE MAN THAT IS DOWN! I think I said “Oh” as I was trying to process what she said and see if I had maybe misunderstood her somehow.  

That same trip I had somehow forgotten a coat. It was January in Utah and I only had a zip up. We decided to go to this waffle truck for breakfast and it was freezing so I asked her if I could borrow a coat. I had on a bright blue tracksuit-style zip up, adidas soccer leggings, and tan uggs. She dug her black and white herringbone belted trench coat out of the closet and had me wear that. It was all sorts of wrong to the point that even my boyfriend was chuckling under his breath at my terrible outfit. I tried to laugh along. Story of my life with this family, man. This chick had FUN with me bc she knew I’d do anything. It was honestly so cruel. Hahahahaa. 

Another time we were biking in his parents’ side yard out in the country. It was spring/summer time. I was sitting in the bike basket and he was pedaling. She happened to be visiting from Utah and saw us from the porch. She called out in laughter, “The neighbors are going to think we got a foreign exchange student! Hahahaahaha” AMAZING. Probably one of the most racist things anyone has ever said to me? Lol. Once again, how is one supposed to respond while trying to maintain a good impression? 

I laughed because it was all I could do. I was a stray cat, full of myself, and could be mistaken for a foreign exchange student. I’m literally smiling as I write this because I TOOK ALL of that 💩 + more and I took it like a MF champ. She taught me that sometimes people will just choose not to like you no matter what you do and you cannot control it. These experiences also solidified to me that I wanted a husband who would stand up for me, fight for me, and protect me - even if it’s from his own family. One who put ME first and wasn’t a damn coward, please. 

 Near the end of us dating, he finally admitted she was kind of a bitch and that she was well aware of it. He then tried comforting me by telling me that all of the people she was best friends with now she had started out hating. Amazing. 

Well I have good news, at least this part of the story has a happy ending. I was haunted for years by this person and the things she had said to me but I finally posted a selfie 4 years later as a way of healing and captioned it accordingly. I didn’t name any names but she reached out to me knowing that I was talking about her in the caption and apologized profusely admitting that she has always been hypercritical of who her brothers dated and that in doing so had judged me too harshly. She said that she would leave me alone after that. I basically told her she had no idea how badly she had hurt me but that I forgave her and hoped we could be friends. She retreated into silence just as she had promised. 2 years later, I looked her up on social media out of curiosity to see what she had been up to. I discovered that she was a CHANGED woman. She had gone from small-town child and family photographer to instagram mommy influencer to an online business-building maven with a huge emphasis in women empowerment. She was real, raw, inclusive, compassionate, and undeniably entertaining. Her relationship with women had completely changed from competitor to ally. It was absolutely inspiring and I loved and wanted to be friends with this person. I also knew that being on good terms with her would give me the healing I needed mentally so I decided to text her. She was super excited and welcomed me with open arms. I now LOVE her and she’s one of my favorite people to follow. 

K, sorry for the significant sister tangent. Back to the story…

Later that first fall semester my dad recommended I read the book How To Avoid Falling In Love With A Jerk. I never really read the things my dad sends me. They’re usually filled with his bias and “isms” or are super preachy and I can’t handle it. So I stubbornly brushed his suggestion off. He mailed me a copy of the book anyway. My friend/roommate happened to enroll in a marriage prep class the next semester and the assigned reading happened to be that book. I let her borrow it so she didn’t have to buy it. Once the class started, she said it was the most life-changing book and class and that I absolutely had to take it too. So I agreed to take it in the Spring. More on that later.

Anyways, fall semester came to an end and we talked about him coming to meet my parents over Christmas break. It ended up not happening but we talked the entire time. On either Christmas or New Years Eve (don’t remember which one) I happened to look at his snapchat and noticed who his “best friends” were. I saw that I was his number one and that his ex was his second. I thought it was weird so I asked him if he had been talking to her. I think he dodged it or said that they talked a little sometimes randomly (unclear). I texted one of my roommates who was good friends with her and asked if she knew whether they still talked or not and explained why I was suspicious. She said that her friend (his ex) liked to send snaps to everyone on her friends list and that it didn’t matter if someone opened it or not, the app recorded it as an interaction. “You don’t even have to respond and someone can become your best friend on there.” Some bull crap like that. I wasn’t versed in snapchat so I didn’t know this was a lie. Turns out, being best friends on snap chat is definitely a 2 way street. I think I probably wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt anyways. That same Christmas break I bought us tickets to go see Lady Antebellum for his birthday later in January. I was so excited to surprise him with his Christmas presents when I got back and then these tickets for his birthday later that month.

I flew back to school and him and my parents helped move me into my new apartment. Then my parents left and he spent the night at my place. We hadn’t seen each other in 2 weeks, he had just met my parents, and I was in heaven. The next morning he blindsided the crap out of me and broke up with me for the upteenth time. Same reason as always, though. But this time I was initially more furious than sad. I went and got the tickets and chucked them at him. “HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!” He opened up the envelope they were in and just stared at the tickets in shock. He looked up and was like “We’re still going to go to this.” I just shook my head in disbelief at this person. What the hell… 

He left my place after that and I proceeded to go into a downward spiral. You see, every time he broke up with me it was so convincing and I thought it would be the last time so the pain got progressively worse every time. Life would become meaningless to me because I didn’t want to live without him. It sounds so dramatic but it was how I felt. Everywhere I went reminded me of him so I couldn’t really “get away.” I hadn’t known Rexburg without him in it. The whole place was him. Memories on each corner of this tiny town. So moving on was pretty impossible. It was also winter in Idaho (as in -20 degrees) so that didn’t help with my mental health either. I asked for multiple priesthood blessings to heal my shattered soul. I’m sure my poor bishop didn’t know what to do with me. 

I was so unwell after that breakup that my best friend (the one that I met in that same nutrition class my first semester) voluntarily moved in with me for a few days. The hardest thing about these breakups for me was the loneliness and she knew it. She knew I needed someone to sleep next to and wake up next to. She also knew how debilitating my sadness was. For three days she made sure I ate, got dressed, and went to school. She would make me breakfast and watch me eat it, make me shower, dress me while I cried, and then push me out the door + lock it behind me so I couldn’t come back inside. It was a new semester and I was in even harder classes and those don’t wait for your broken heart. She made sure my life kept going and that I kept living. No one had ever been so nice to me. I honestly have no words - only tears to express how I feel about her. 

But of course this boy came back to me less than a week later like he always did and I went back to living on cloud nine. We even ended up going to that damn concert and I gave him the best birthday of his life. Honestly, come to think of it, all I ever did was give. I gave until there was absolutely nothing left of me. In fact, I think I disappeared. More on that in the next post…