Pt 3

First of all, I am so so so sorry Story Series posts have been so sporadic and have taken me so long. If you’re still around and still keeping up with them, thank you from the bottom of my heart for being here for being so patient and invested. You are my people and I love you.

Quick Recap: lots of him breaking up with me every 2-4 weeks because he “didn’t feel like it was the right thing” (aka claiming God was telling him I wasn’t the one) and then coming back to me within days. a lot of me either being very happy or very sad. He had just turned 24. We’re now in the middle of winter semester.

One time after another break up during winter semester we tried to stay away from each other for good. It wasn’t what I wanted but I figured it had to happen so I could stop hurting. He also started saying things like “So many guys are going to be so happy I’m doing this” implying people would be pumped I was going to be back on the dating market. Um ew? It was the last thing I wanted to hear. But I did try seeing other guys. Tried to numb myself with them. But I was so hung up on him that attention from other guys really made no difference. It only left me feeling even more empty. He and I also shared the same friends. That complicated our whole plan of staying away from each other too. We also only lived a block from each other and that didn’t make it easy either. We both could tell if the other was home just by looking at the cars parked on the street. Needless to say, “staying away for good” lasted about a week. He always came back and I loved him so much that I always let him. 

When we got back together this time we decided to keep it a secret from everyone else because no one could ever keep up with us and I think we were both embarrassed. So we started sneaking around with each other. It felt fun and adventurous and kind of exciting….Until I started wondering if he was just embarrassed to be with me. And then it stopped being so fun.

It was that same winter semester when I was trying to hold my life together that a good family friend who was completely unaware of my personal life started tapping me on the shoulder about going on a mission. That scared the CRAP out of me. (I started noticing that whenever God was trying to get my attention or get me to do something He wanted me to do, it would be something that scared the life out of me that I really didn’t want to do but deep down knew I needed to. This is how I started recognizing promptings to go down certain paths. Feeling like I needed to do things that scared me 💩-less. The more scared. The more divine the design hahaha. More on that later, though.)

Him and I were going through yet another rough break-up patch and it was NOT what I needed or wanted to hear at the time. I had never even considered going on a mission. It wasn’t part of my plan. My plan was to marry this guy, graduate at top speed, work to put him through whatever med school he got into, move wherever his residency would be, start a family, settle down wherever his practice ended up being, etc. There was no room for a mission in that plan. I also knew that going on a mission would mean him and I would be over for good because I knew deep down he’d get married while I was gone and that was what needed to happen. God had to just get me out of the picture in order for it to happen and a mission was the perfect way. In fact, I knew he’d marry the next person he dated seriously after me. Don’t ask me how. I just knew. But I was in serious denial. So, when I got this tap on the shoulder about going on a mission all of those thoughts were going through my head all while I was fighting to keep my relationship in one piece and also stay at the top of my classes during a semester jam packed with anatomy and physiology. Now was NOT the time to talk to me about a mission. Anyhow, despite my resistance, the seed had been planted and the thought of a mission stayed and settled somewhere in the back of my mind to later come alive and tug at me when the time was right. God knows me so well.

Also, when I say I was trying to hold my relationship together I don’t just mean that I was trying to keep breakups from happening. There were other pending issues that were making holding my relationship together harder than it needed to be. Over the years, people in our church have adopted a certain culture of shaming individuals who have broken rules but especially rules pertaining to chastity. I grew up with this culture being enforced hardcore in the home but I also knew from my own experience that repentance and forgiveness were real and that God is a loving, merciful god who gives second, third, 100th chances when we are trying our best. He judges on the heart. At least this is what I believe. I’m sure my ex knew this too but he had such a tender heart and guilty conscience that he let his mistakes destroy him most of the time. Whenever we even remotely got close to the line physically, he would plunge into a downward spiral of guilt, shame, and self hate. He was already all over the place emotionally but then throw sexual related sin into the mix and it was a recipe for mental disaster. So whenever this happened I had to not only dig/coax/save him from this hole he would throw himself into but also make sure to get up, check my own vitals, and brush myself off too. Let me tell you, it was EXHAUSTING - this saving two lives business. Like of course I wanted to be as physically close to him as possible and he obviously did too. It’s NATURAL. But then if we “messed up” in the least or even threatened to get close, he would retreat and sometimes I would lose him. Sometimes I even felt responsible. It was dark and horrible. 

One time I asked him what he would do if we ever did have sex (as in sex before marriage. PS, for those of you who aren’t familiar with the LDS faith, it’s VERY against our religion to have sex before marriage. Does it happen, though? All the time. Does everyone live? Yes. Proud to report there is a 100% survival rate and people do come back from it and still get married in the temple and live wonderful lives.) All jokes aside, when I asked him what he would do, he told me we’d have to break up for sure and HE PROBABLY WOULD NEVER SPEAK TO ME AGAIN. I couldn’t believe it. “You mean, you wouldn’t want to try to work through it and repent together??! Forgiveness and repentance are real and you say you believe those things! I can’t believe you would just leave.” I felt like that is exactly what you shouldn’t do if someone truly does mean that much to you. But no, he was convinced he would never be able to even go near me again. So I was always terrified if we got close because if we messed up at all he would leave me. BUT GUESS WHAT HE LEFT ME ALL THE TIME ANYWAYS HAAHAHA. So there were times where I felt like I would end up losing him either way so I didn’t care what we did. That was dangerous. For the record, we never even got close. We were both just inherently good in this aspect probably in part to how we were both raised to be afraid of messing up and also in part to being the kind of people who are just hard on themselves in general. 

In light of trying to hold my life and relationship together, I started searching for answers. I prayed a lot for comfort, guidance, and peace. I started feeling like I really needed to read the book my dad and friend had recommended and take that marriage prep class. I felt so strongly about this that when the answer came I rearranged my entire spring semester class schedule the very last day of the add/drop period to make that class fit and I’m so glad I did because that class ended up opening my eyes and changing my life. More on that later.

That April, while we were dating, I found out he had cheated on me for a second time. But let me back up. Remember when I said I became friends with all of his friends? I ended up becoming friends with all of his ex’s old roommates too because they were all in the same friend group. I even ended up rooming with them. Wild. I know. Anyways, we were all watching General Conference together (a bi-annual church tv broadcast where the prophet and apostles speak to us) just us girls when one of her old roommates got talking. She was mad at his ex (who was one of her best friends) for something and just started spilling the tea. TURNS OUT, that sneaking suspicion I had over Christmas break wasn’t just me being crazy. His ex had come to town and they had hooked up while I had been home for the holidays. I COULD NOT BELIEVE IT. THAT WAS 4 MONTHS AGO AND HE NEVER TOLD ME?!?!?! I texted him screaming. “I HATE YOU. NEVER TALK TO ME AGAIN.” When all I wanted was for him to fight for me for once. 

At first he denied it. And then he said we weren’t together at the time. YES WE WERE. And then he admitted that we were. We went back and forth like this until I basically said if you want me, come over here and actually fight for me. I just wanted him to show me how much I actually meant to him. He never really had. He had never been the one banging down my door. He had never stood up for me to his family whenever they treated me badly. He just never really tried. He was always too conflicted. He ended up coming over and picking me up. We talked in his car. Again, I made him tell me everything:

He had been up at his cabin in Island Park with his significant sister and her family over Christmas break when he got a text from his ex saying she was in town. His significant sister who loved this girl was like, “Oh my gosh!!! Invite her up!!!!” (Honestly, he was probably lying about this too. Who even knows.)

AMAZING, RIGHT? Thank you for helping him cheat on me a the second time!

So he did. She came up to their cabin and spent the night(s).

I was FURIOUS. “I TOLD YOU NOT TO TALK TO HER!! WHAT. THE. HELL?!?!!?” I don’t remember the rest but I’m sure you can use your imagination. I just couldn’t believe this had happened again. Fool me twice, shame on me.

I had caught him talking to her other times too and one time he caught me seeing her name come up on his screen and just hugged me. Basically, indicating to me it was not going to change and my request was not going to be honored. And the worst part is that I LET THIS FLY. I had NO backbone. I just allowed it. I can probably attribute my acceptance of this to the fact that I didn’t get to make my own choices growing up. My mom and dad made most of the decisions for me and if I ever did make my own decision and it happened to be the “wrong” one, my dad/mom would come down on me so hard it would make me dizzy and never want to attempt it again. I was used to people making decisions for me and just going with the flow to avoid contention. He was older and “wiser” than me. Or so I thought. So accepted this treatment. I just let him do whatever he wanted. And I think his significant sister saw that and knew that he needed someone stronger who could tell him no. I just couldn’t be the one to do that. 

Later on when I visited his cabin I remember asking where they had been while she was there because I didn’t want to sit anywhere they had done anything. It made my skin crawl. Also, judging by that sentence you now know that I forgave him and took him back. Lol WHYYYYY, SAM.

Why didn’t I just ditch this person the first time he cheated on me? Or after the hundredth time he told me he couldn’t be with me? Short answer: I was sort of addicted to him. Deeper answer: I just believed in him. I saw so much potential in this person. It was almost as if I was able to see this person through Christ’s eyes. I had such unconditional love for him. Like no matter how many times he messed up or hurt me, I knew that his heart and his intentions were good/innocent so I could never be mad. Just sad. I also don’t think he ever intentionally tried to hurt me. He wasn’t malicious at all. It wasn’t his nature. He was just stupid and selfish and made decisions that ended up hurting me. We never actually fought either which is probably strange to a lot of you but neither of us were like that. I’m still not like that.

I honestly feel bad because I feel like all I’m talking about are the bad things. Trust me when I say that this person made me insanely happy and 98% of the time we spent together was spent having so much fun. He was my best friend. We just got each other on so many levels. It was like we were the same person and I meant it when I said that I could’ve been stuck with him on a deserted island for rest of my life and been ecstatic. I’m saying all of this because I promise I’m not just a complainer hahaa. However, the point is, regardless of how “happy” he made me there were several red flags I should’ve recognized. But I was young and inexperienced and that’s why getting married super young is yikes to me now.

He decided to go to BYU Provo for summer semester. Probably a last ditch effort to give us a real break and put physical distance between us so we couldn’t run back to each other. That didn’t work either because I would either drive there or he would drive back to Rexburg on the weekends. We ended up seeing each other almost every other weekend. LOL. We did this pseudo long distance thing all while still calling it “a break” so we weren’t technically together and were free to see who we wanted. I did my best to distract myself during the weeks I didn’t see him so I wouldn’t be absolutely ill from imagining all the pretty, smart, mormon girls he was meeting in Provo or even his ex who lived nearby. All I can say is it was VERY MESSED UP.  

PS, I should have been accepted into BYU Provo by this point but I had shoved my original plan to transfer there aside because of him. I hadn’t even applied because I had foolishly assumed we’d work out and that meant I’d have to stay and finish out at BYU Idaho. Then there was the rest of my plan that involved graduating as fast as I could after we got married and working to put him through med school. Then moving to wherever he got in, etc. I was willing to follow this person literally anywhere, even if it meant somewhere like Alaska or the midwest. I was pitiful and probably everything any normal Mormon guy would’ve wanted. Which is weird because it somehow still wasn’t enough.

This is what I have to say about that, though: ALWAYS CONTINUE LIVING YOUR LIFE FOR YOURSELF ACCORDING TO YOUR PLAN UNLESS YOU ARE ENGAGED. No one is tied to you and you’re not tied to them until you have a ring on your finger. This is the only way to protect your future. If you are in this situation right now, now is the time to be selfish. Do not feel bad. You have to look out for yourself and move forward. If you’re not sure, you can always pray.

During the time he was gone and some of when he got back, I was taking that Marriage Prep class I mentioned earlier and reading the book “How to Avoid Falling in Love With A Jerk.” This book and this class changed my life. I highly recommend anyone and everyone to read this book - even if you’re already in a relationship. It’s not too late. It has so much valuable information in it such as how to break destructive dating patterns that keep you from finding the love you deserve or which questions to ask in order to facilitate meaningful conversation that will reveal things about your partner. It helps you judge character based on compatibility, relationship skills, friends, and patterns from family and previous relationships (as in looking at how he treats his mom bc it’s a pattern for how he’s going to treat you in the future.) It explains how to walk into love with your eyes open instead of “falling” into love and being acted upon and therefore getting emotionally stuck in a relationship that isn’t good for you. It also helps you recognize not only if someone else is being a jerk but identify if you are the one being the jerk. The coolest part is that the author has a PhD in counseling and psychology and draws from several other renowned sources and experiments so it’s all science-based and pretty much foolproof in my opinion. I could go on and on about this book but I won’t give away all the secrets since I really do want you to read it yourself. 

Anyways, the point is, this book and this class started waking me up. I finally started seeing things. Reasons why our relationship was so funky. How it had started out all wrong. A stable relationship never starts out being heavily physical. That’s just grounds for disaster. Oops. So I shared with him the things I was learning in an attempt to fix/rewire us and reason with him. Like, oh this is why you’ve felt so unsure about us because we did things backwards! I tried anything I could to make his feelings make sense and find a solution around them.

He finished his accelerated summer semester and came back to Idaho. We were inseparable again and he finally decided to stop breaking up with me since it obviously never worked. We started spending more time with his family (at his parents’ house and at their cabin in Island Park) than we ever had before and I felt like I was treading on foreign ground. Was I even allowed to be here? So uncomfortable and having felt unaccepted at first, I employed all efforts in transforming myself into someone they could maybe give a 💩about.

We had made it a solid, consecutive 2 months when I realized we were unhappy. I mean, being around him made me happy but I personally was unhappy and I could see something was wearing on him too. Disobeying God does that to a person. We both looked darker and exhausted. I didn’t even know who I was anymore. The damage he had done, the stress of school, but mostly the trying to be someone his family could love had left me unrecognizable. I had never been so unhappy in my life, actually. It was like I woke up one day, took a look around, and wondered how I had gotten there. That was when I finally started feeling like this wasn’t the right thing. It started with me feeling like I was in trouble. I had the kind of pit in your stomach that you get when your parents find out you did something bad and you’re dreading going home to face them and the consequences. Every time I opened my scriptures, the verses would scream at me to do what I desperately did not want to. I started waking up with my heart racing. For the first time in my life I could identify that I was feeling severe anxiety. Something had to change. I knew I had to end it. And I did not want to.

Finally, after being quite literally tormented by the Spirit, I decided I would do it once I had gotten home for the seven week break between summer and fall semesters. It was the end of July 2014. 

My flight home was absolutely miserable. I came down the escalator after I landed already in tears. My mom and stepdad, who were no stranger to my rocky past with this guy, had surprised me at the airport with a new car and were extremely frustrated that he had somehow managed to ruin the magic of this moment too. I think I called him when I got home. I couldn’t stomach waiting any longer when I knew it was already over. I really don’t remember the details. I think I’ve blocked them out. I only remember that both of us were sobbing (he never cried) and he thanked me for having the strength to do it because he couldn’t hurt me like that even one more time. 

Once it was done I hung up and went into a tailspin of grief. I had never felt so overwhelmingly sad or lost in my entire life. I felt like everything had gotten ripped out from under me and my world was now upside down. All of my plans I had told you about. Gone. And for a planner like me, that is anxiety level 1000. I also had not only lost my boyfriend but my best friend too. My instinct to be in constant communication with him - to ask about his day or to text him something funny that only he would understand - couldn’t be followed. It was like someone had died. It felt as if I was missing a leg and was learning to walk all over again. For weeks I sat in the corner wrapped in a blanket crying constant tears like a silent, leaky faucet. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t eat. The only time I felt ok was on my knees or asleep. I remember being in so much pain that I would pray for anyone else who could be suffering from a broken heart like I was. I prayed so hard that they could feel better because I couldn’t imagine or bear the idea of someone else being in as much pain as I was.

I had no idea what I was going to do next…